Alone Not Lonely: My Method for Reframing The Meaning of Being Alone

We were in our new house for about six months when my dad touched the knob of the door from our family room to the garage for the last time. He had a few belongings under his arms and he said goodbye to me, age six, my sister, age eight, and my mom. In an instant I was lost. The only way I can explain it is that I was swimming in a thick soup of loneliness, confused and worried about what would happen next. My sister went to her room, and my mom went to hers. I wondered what they were doing in their rooms and whether I existed.

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on loneliness. How does loneliness arises in me; how, despite not wanting to experience it, I can fuel it; how I can manage it; and why I’m capable of feeling lonely in the first place. I am sure a lot of it goes back to moments in childhood like when my dad left, and I’ve handled lots of that in therapy - highly recommend doing this by the way.

As I’ll explain below, I’ve chosen to not ask why these days, so much as “what now?” Because the data tells me that, regardless of the reason, as an American adult man, I’m not alone in feeling lonely. According to the Survey Center on American Life, only 27% of American men have six or more friends. That’s wild - nearly one out of every four guys is only friends with six or less guys? That’s not wild, actually, that sucks!

But here’s what I’m driving at - my journey with loneliness has not been about adding more friends; it’s been about reframing the meaning of being alone so that I can thrive alone. Specifically, when I am alone from 7:45am to 6:30pm every day as a solopreneur, building a coaching practice by myself in my home. I’m married and have an energetic attention-hungry Border Terrier. So it’s not like I’m alone all the time. It’s just those work hours when I can fall into doubting myself, my plans, and my vision because I don’t have that familiar feeling of other people to bounce off of.

I was put in daycare when I was nine months old. Eventually I was in schools, at summer camp, on sports teams, contending with roommates, collaborating on business teams, participating in men’s groups, volunteering, organizing music and entertainment projects, and fumbling my way through romantic relationships. Those are just the nine inter-relational settings I can think of off the top of my head let alone many others, I am sure, in which I found an escape from loneliness. 

To put it simply: I grossly underestimated the impact alone time would have on me, despite working “alone” while leading a team remotely during the COVID-19 pandemic. In fact, I’ve been engaging with teams, friends, enemies, and everyone in between ever since I was a baby. 

If you’ve noticed discontent in recent months and aren’t quite sure whether it’s loneliness, or why you’re feeling it, I’ve outlined a few tips just for you, because they work for me.

Ask Why Later

Despite all my many interactions I can still be lonely. Why does loneliness get invited into my heart or mind, like a stranger snuck into my home? 

As I often tell clients, we will have a lifetime to dissect the why’s of our past. And even when we get a clear answer, it might not be all that satisfying or useful. What I’m most interested in discovering with my clients is how to close the gap between today and an ideal future state. The gap I personally needed to close with loneliness was re-setting my mindset when I’m alone.

Alone does not equal lonely

To everyone out there that knows that being alone does not equal being lonely, congrats! To the rest of us who still need to reframe cognitively, and re-design behaviorally, in order to manage loneliness, it’s good to see you. I got your back.

I teach a self-management process that in its simplest form is a cycle of Reflection, Decision, and Action, practiced at high frequency and in all aspects of life. This cycle creates confidence and momentum for more change on your terms, regardless of the many external factors that constantly inundate our lives.

Here’s how I’m using self-management to embrace being alone:

1. Notice: I have a very clear set of behaviors and narratives when I’m lonely. It doesn’t matter what they are for me; it matters that you begin to notice what they are for you. Once I was able to notice the specific behaviors and interpretations of a scenario and myself were directly and only associated with loneliness I was able to use them to my advantage.

2. Reflect: I will admit that I give the loneliness narratives space to breathe. I allow myself to feel fully lonely for a moment. It’s almost like the more I can feel it, the more I can point to it. It’s like I’m calling it out from hiding, and it can’t control me. With loneliness out in the open, I can observe it and decide what to do with it.

3. Decide: being a husband, a solopreneur, and a coach who helps others overcome obstacles, I am not a huge fan of flailing around helplessly in unproductive emotions once I know they’re dominating my space. So, my decision invariably is to swiftly disassociate from the loneliness once I’ve given it a fair amount of time to be noticed.

4. Act: Disassociating from loneliness in a practical sense means that I tell myself, “being alone does not obligate you to feel lonely.” I say that a few times and logic generally kicks in. But often times I have to occupy my mind with something declarative and positive. So I have recently started writing down desirable states of mind that can be evoked by being alone, and it looks like this: 

1. I am alone and at peace

2. I am alone and content

3. I am alone and creative

4. I am alone and artistic

5. I am alone and building

6. I am alone and growing

Google or ask ChatGPT to pull up information on “Coping with Loneliness” and your results will be lists of things to do. I think that’s reasonable, to some degree, and lots of people including myself do need to be doing something in order to overcome something. I get that. 

But I also want to encourage you to consider that there is nothing wrong with feeling lonely, there’s nothing to do, and that you are enough to be in a room alone with you. 

I have to remind myself of this fact five days a week. I’m a very forgetful person, so if I can do it, so can you. 

BONUS: Cold Showers

Cold water exposure is being covered a lot these days. I’m proud to say that I was experimenting with the positive effects of cold showers back in 2015. At least in this one practice, I was ahead of the curve!

As of December 2022, I’ve returned to using cold showers, sometimes twice a day. They force me to: 

1. Control my breathe

2. Decide on my mindset

3. Endure discomfort

4. Slow down when my instinct is to speed up

5. Test my mental toughness on a daily basis

While I’m in a cold shower my mind can use it as a metaphor for something else I’m worried about wont end, such as loneliness. And when I’m out of the shower and feeling discomfort, such as loneliness, I remind myself I can endure it, just like the cold shower. This reminder triggers other positive self-talk, such as: 

1. This is temporary

2. You are capable

3. There is something to be gained

4. You’ve done this before and you can do it again

My daily ritual and the positive reframing and positive self-talk that it evokes has been hugely beneficial to me. I highly recommend experimenting with a couple weeks of cold showers. Your default mental settings, and your grit, might surprise you. 

Conclusion

I have spent years bopping around inside of and between groups and have felt lonely. And more recently I’ve spent seven months being alone, and have felt lonely. At this point, the common denomenator is me, and that’s a good thing. There’s a whole lot I don’t control but I do control me. Specifically, my mindset and my relationship with alone-ness. Maybe that’s what I’ve been searching for this whole time - to replace loneliness with the very fact-based, dispassionate reality of alone-ness, and how wildly different that is than loneliness. I’m becoming pretty cool with alone-ness and I hope you can be too. If you need help, let’s talk.

Tips for Those That Survive a Layoff

Layoff survivors: this one’s for you.

As a former (recovering) national sales account executive in an HR SaaS company myself, I know the feeling of uncertainty that sales, marketing, talent acquisition, and product middle managers experience when a layoff is looming or executed. You hope that since you’re adding revenue and clients to the business, you're safe, but you never know. 

The experience of a layoff, or reduction in force (RIF), can be incredibly difficult, not just for those who lost their jobs. Since so much has been written by and for laid-off professionals, I wanted to offer a helping hand to anyone still at a company that has undergone layoffs. Here are a few tips that I hope will help you get back on your feet after the gut punch that is a RIF.

Real Quick…

My own experience

I have witnessed three rounds of layoffs at one company and a modest RIF at another. It’s painful to see your friends go, and it’s rather unsettling to know you’re hanging around. I personally experienced bouts of survivor’s guilt and brain fog. For weeks that led to months, I was unsure of the “right” next step for my career, let alone how best to support my current and former colleagues. I was not alone.

Model behavior
A close friend of mine is the head of a large sales team at a 2,000+ employee global SaaS company that RIF’ed several hundred employees at the end of Q4 2022. I consider him a model for being a great colleague after a layoff.

Here’s what he did that I’d recommend you try as well:  

He Took Care of Himself

Think of this as the moment every flight attendant instructs you to do before take-off: put on your own mask before assisting others. In other words, you can not sustainably serve those around you if you are not safe and secure. Here’s how to do it after a layoff:

• Use your people: professionals (therapists, coaches, counselors, internal company support), friends, and family are at your disposal for external processing (AKA talking) about what is stirring in you. 

• Use your body: exercise, take walks, and switch up environments to activate your brain productively and give yourself a sense of control. Listen to your body through mindful breathing and meditation. The mind-body connection is real, and it is one of our greatest resources. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has written extensively about this in “The Body Keeps The Score.” While remaining at a company might feel like a blessing, it might also trigger a sense of trauma or even traumatic memories. Take it one day at a time, and let your body guide you to what you need. 

• Use your mind: journal, read, document, reflect, and strategize. You may feel compelled to freeze or take flight as the dust settles from the layoff. Check-in with yourself through independent reflection and planning to use discernment before making big decisions, especially if you are feeling reactionary. 

And Then He Mobilized to Take Care of Others

I’m impressed with how much my friend communicated with his team members. From what I heard, he was a port in the storm for some and a catalyst for change for others. That goes for the employees who remained at the company and those who were let go. He even managed to loop one terminated employee into a surprise opening on his team. Here are a few takeaways from my friend’s success that you can put to use, even (or perhaps especially) if they push you outside of your comfort zone: 

• Be a leader in vulnerability: You may be part of a workplace culture or a one-on-one relationship with certain colleagues that requires you to take the first step in opening up. Being vulnerable is a rare and powerful form of leadership. Notice if you need to lead in starting the dialogue and harness your courage to do it.

• Honor the truth: avoid gossip, speculation, drama, and fiction. Acknowledge what you know to be true about your experience, emotions, and hopes for yourself and your team members. 

• Be available: proactively welcome colleagues to schedule time on your calendar for coffee or Zoom calls specifically to process their experience with the layoff rather than to discuss work projects. In the coaching community, this is known as “holding the client’s agenda.” In the world of your colleagues, it’s much the same - invite your team members to tell you what they need to talk about, and then let them talk about it. It’s truly that simple. 

• Be present: Communication is as much about receiving information as it is presenting. Body language is critical to others’ safety, so when receiving their concerns, put your phone and other distractions aside and make eye contact. It’s pretty straightforward stuff: give your colleague your undivided attention. This is non-verbal communication at a critical moment, and it may prove to be more powerful than any words you share. 

I Recommend: Take Care of Your Career, Too

This one is a bonus section for taking care of yourself.  

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs dictates that in the process of self-actualization (which I am a bit obsessed with, even in scary moments like layoffs or the COVID-19 pandemic), we need to address our survival needs before we can step into higher-level achievements. In a newer model for self-actualization by Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, Love and Purpose are at the peak of self-actualization. 

Source: “Transcend” by Scott Barry Kaufman / Sailboat illustration by Andy Ogden

Buy “Transcend”: https://scottbarrykaufman.com/books/transcend/

I want to challenge you to consider how Love and Purpose can be integrated into your career in this here-and-now moment post-layoff, as well as across the open sea of a career you will look back on years from now.

A challenge

While the thoughts, assumptions, and emotions might still be running high for you:

write down or find someone to talk to about what you’re noticing about your life, as it is affected by a job impacted by layoffs, and vice versa: how does your life, or a vision of an ideal life, affect the career you want to shape over time?

Moments of uncertainty need to be met with the urgency of keeping oneself safe and secure. And they offer us extremely narrow, high-intensity windows into adversity we will return to again one day. The opportunity you have right now is to consider what you love and are purpose-driven to do so much so that being knocked off your horse, or watching others get knocked off of theirs, will not completely derail you from, as I like to say, “moving the plot forward.”

Conclusion

I do hope the examples I offered from the experiences my friend, and I went through help you navigate what’s happening now and next. You are well-equipped to care for yourself, your colleagues, and your career. You’ve got this! If I can serve you, please don’t hesitate to let me know.