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The Case for Compassion in Corporate Coaching
Coaching with compassion must be considered by executive and business coaches, nurtured in senior executives, and modeled for the mid-level and junior employees making their way to the forefront of leadership.
Richard Boyatzis, considered by many to be one of the godfather's of coaching, believes coaching with compassion is the only way. I instantly resonated with this framework, which I learned about in “Helping People Change,” co-authored by Melvin Smith and Ellen Van Oosten. The alternative to coaching with compassion is a dry, prescriptive, short-term oriented approach called coaching for compliance. It's as unoriginal as it is belittling. Continue reading if you’re curious about another way.
“I’m not sure if you’ve experienced coaching with compassion but given your seniority I can guarantee that you have both been led by and have probably lead others through coaching for compliance. ”
Think about a manager who told you what to do. Now think about a manager who asked you what you think you could do. Perhaps you've been fortunate enough to have a boss who collaboratively brainstormed ideas with you, like two members of a band. That's peeling back the curtain 1% on coaching for compliance versus coaching with compassion. Being told what to do in order to deliver an outcome versus being empowered to consider what it is about you, and what it is about the work that will inspire you, to both complete a task and enrich yourself.
The case against coaching with compassion is anchored in fear. It sounds something like this:
- We don't have time to "coach" our people
- I can't learn how to be compassionate, be a manager, and also get my work done
- Our people aren't the type to respond to "compassion"
- We have existing systems and protocols for a reason, compassion and coaching would disrupt that
To that last point: You’re damn right! When was the last time you got your hands dirty, anyway? I’m not talking about roughing it up by following orders. I’m talking about innovation. Innovation led by YOU. If you're curious enough to be reading these very words you're also probably curious and observant enough to notice - even if you've buried your findings - that your organization could use a little disruption.
- I don't want to be awkward.
- I don't want to look weak.
- I don’t want to look distracted.
No offense, you already do look weak. The good news is we all do. We're all vulnerable and powerful and confused and in control and out of control at all times. Not to get woo about it but lacking control while awkwardly stumbling through life and leadership is sort of what it's all about. That's the Learning Zone, the growth area, the edge. It's good to be there. It's good to have you here! Welcome! If you've been here for a while, hey how are ya, can I buy you a drink?
Moving along…
What is coaching with compassion?
Coaching with compassion, I'm going to steal this right from the pages of Richard Boyatzis, Melvin Smith, and Ellen Van Oosten's latest book, "Helping People Change:" coaching with a genuine sense of caring and concern, focusing on the other person, providing support and encouragement, and facilitating the discovery and pursuit of that person's dreams and passions. You are not alone and no one could blame you for reading that and instantly thinking:
- I am already someone's parent, aunt or uncle, I have neither the time nor energy to coddle adults in my organization.
- But who's caring about me, my dreams, my passions?
- If my whole organization starts focusing on its people then who the hell will focus on the product?!
What’s in it for you to start coaching with compassion?
Yes! Incentives! Now we’re talking. To name a few:
Talent acquisition costs freed up for other initiatives due to retention of exceptional people bought because their boss doesn’t talk about giving a sh*t s/he/they actually show it.
Efficient problem solving and problem anticipation by grown-ass adults who know their worth and intelligence; who know their employer knows their worth and intelligence; and who are eager to give it up for the organization because they’re proud to be a part of it.
Less expensive and longer-lasting client/customer relationships that run deeper than transactional, commodotized product delivery. Better reviews, net promoter scores, referral networks and sterling reputation follows suit. You know the drill. It’s the brand you dreamed about leading but refuse to believe could actually be your own.
How to start coaching with compassion?
I am jumping wildly ahead here in an effort to assuage anxious and skeptical leaders. Keeping this very simple for now:
- Research: Read, skim or ask for a ChatGPT summary of any of the books indexed below.
- Relationships: Text a few leaders you know to ask if/how they've approaching org change or individual leadership development. Ask them if they've ever heard of this coaching with compassion nonsense. They probably haven't. You might love being at the forefront. It's like a warp-speed ride through a meteor shower and those of us on the shuttle are pretty bad-ass.
- Reconnaissance: Reach out to a coach like me or a coach you used in the past. Just get the conversation going. Listen to your curiosity. It's one of your gifts.
- Reflection: This last one is real-world, immediate practice you can do on yourself: try out self-compassion. Today, when you get spun up, annoyed, confused, or doubtful about a decision you made or might have to make, slow down and take two minutes to ask yourself, "how are you doing? What makes you one of one? What's your dream for this project/career/life?"
Okay, that last question, you might not get the full answer until you're drinking from the silver cup up in the sky, but you can at least check in with it! The point here is to simply notice how asking questions from a place of care and concern shifts the mood and potentially the outcome of where you're headed for a moment.
There is so much more to be said about coaching with compassion. I haven't even scratched the surface of the surface here. But it has been weighing on me that I am not advocating enough for coaching with compassion - the very coaching I know and love to do for others and on myself with my own coach. I hope you explore coaching with compassion soon too.
Book Recommendations
Executive Leadership and the Hidden Challenge of Imposter Syndrome
Creating a workplace where employees feel valued, understood, and confident is essential for organizational success. For executive leaders, acknowledging Imposter Syndrome (IS) within their teams can be a game-changer in fostering a culture of trust, innovation, and peak performance.
Even if you've overcome IS yourself, it's vital to recognize and address this common challenge among your team members. By shedding light on the impact of IS in the workplace through credible data, we can explore strategies for executive leaders to effectively support their teams.
Let's navigate this together and empower your team to thrive!
In the realm of high-stakes decision-making and leadership, the echoes of Imposter Syndrome (IS) can often go unnoticed, yet its impact on individuals and teams within organizations is profound. IS, a psychological pattern where individuals doubt their accomplishments and fear being exposed as a "fraud," does not spare any level of an organization, from new recruits to seasoned executives.
However, the focus here is not on the leaders who have overcome or are dealing with IS, but rather on the responsibility these leaders hold in recognizing and mitigating its effects on their personnel.
Understanding the Scope and Impact of IS in the Workplace
A Global Phenomenon: Research from the International Journal of Behavioral Science estimated that 70% of people will experience at least one episode of IS in their lives, highlighting its widespread nature across professions and cultures.
The High Cost of Doubt: A study by Access Commercial Finance found that 85% of UK workers experience IS, with over half feeling it affects their health. This statistic underlines the critical need for executive intervention in promoting mental wellness.
Innovation at Risk: Harvard Business Review points out that IS can stifle innovation, as individuals fearing exposure of incompetence may hesitate to propose new ideas or solutions.
Leadership Development: Data from KPMG revealed that 75% of executive women reported having experienced IS at some point in their career, suggesting that IS could be a significant barrier to leadership development and diversity in executive roles.
Organizational Performance: A study by Brigham Young University professors found that teams with members experiencing IS are less likely to engage in learning behavior, potentially hampering team performance and adaptability.
The Case for Executive Awareness and Support
Fostering a Culture of Belonging and Achievement
The acknowledgment of IS at the executive level is the first step toward cultivating an environment where all employees feel they genuinely belong and can achieve their best work. By understanding the nuances of IS and its effects, leaders can implement strategies that affirm individual contributions, celebrate diverse perspectives, and encourage professional growth.
Encouraging Innovation and Risk-Taking
Innovation is the lifeblood of any competitive business. Executives aware of the IS phenomenon can create safer spaces for their teams to experiment, fail, and learn without fear of judgment. This not only accelerates innovation but also builds a resilient organizational culture.
Enhancing Employee Engagement and Retention
Employees who feel supported in their professional insecurities are more likely to be engaged and committed to their roles. Addressing IS head-on can lead to higher job satisfaction, reduced turnover, and a stronger sense of loyalty to the organization.
Leadership Development and Succession Planning
By recognizing and mentoring potential leaders who might be held back by IS, executives can ensure a diverse and capable leadership pipeline. This approach not only breaks the cycle of IS but also promotes a culture of continuous professional development.
Strategies for Executive Leaders to Combat IS
Open Dialogue: Create opportunities for open conversations about IS and vulnerability. Sharing personal experiences with IS can demystify the syndrome and foster a culture of openness.
Recognition and Feedback: Regularly acknowledge individual and team achievements. Constructive feedback should be specific, focusing on strengths and areas for growth rather than criticisms that could exacerbate IS feelings.
Professional Development: Invest in training and development programs that emphasize skill-building, leadership development, and emotional intelligence. This investment signals a commitment to employee growth and confidence building.
Mentorship Programs: Implementing mentorship programs can provide employees with role models and advisors who can offer guidance, support, and reassurance, helping to navigate the challenges of IS.
Promote a Growth Mindset: Encourage a culture that views challenges and setbacks as opportunities to learn and grow. This mindset can help individuals internalize successes and view their achievements as a result of hard work and learning, rather than luck.
Resource Accessibility: Make resources on coping with IS readily available, including workshops, counseling services, and educational materials. Providing tools for self-help and professional guidance can empower employees to tackle IS proactively.
Conclusion: Your Role as a Leadership's in Diminishing IS
As executive leaders, the responsibility to cultivate a supportive and empowering workplace culture is paramount. Recognizing the pervasive nature of Imposter Syndrome and taking proactive steps to mitigate its impact is not just an act of compassion—it's a strategic imperative. By fostering an environment that celebrates achievements, encourages risk-taking, and supports professional growth, leaders can unlock the full potential of their teams, drive innovation, and secure a competitive edge in the ever-evolving business landscape.
In conclusion, the battle against IS in the workplace is ongoing, but with informed and compassionate leadership, it is a challenge that can be met with success. As leaders, embracing the role of mentor, advocate, and supporter in the fight against IS can transform the professional experience for many, leading to a more engaged, productive, and fulfilled workforce.
To learn more about Coach Dave O’Connor’s unique approach to helping individual clients and teams overcome imposter syndrome, schedule a discovery call today.
Navigating the "Wangry" Waters: A Fresh Take on Discontent at Work
Introducing "Wangry," my original term for a phenomenon as old as the corporate ladder itself: the high-achiever's career dissatisfaction, and what to do about it.
Introducing "Wangry," my original term for a phenomenon as old as the corporate ladder itself: the high-achiever's career dissatisfaction. While the word might be new, the sentiment it describes is anything but. It's a unique blend of frustration, simmering resentment, and the distinct feeling that your career salad is missing some key ingredients—perhaps fulfillment or purpose-flavored croutons. This blog dives into the heart of "wangry," armed with scientific insights and a sprinkle of humor, to explore how even the most polished professionals can find themselves simmering in a pot of career discontent.
The Anatomy of "Wangry"
Imagine you're a senior leader or executive. Let's call him Alex. Alex has climbed the proverbial career mountain, collecting titles, accolades, and a LinkedIn profile to die for. Yet, despite the glossy exterior, Alex finds himself wrestling with a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction. He's the poster child for "wangry": well-dressed, well-respected, and quietly stewing in his executive suite.
Alex's story isn't unique. It's a narrative shared by countless high-achievers who find themselves questioning the path they've so diligently trodden. They've reached the summit only to realize they might have climbed the wrong mountain.
“The flight is always better in first-class, until it isn’t.”
The Science Behind the Stew
The Prevalence of Job Dissatisfaction: Over half of American workers feel disconnected from their jobs, according to The Conference Board. For high-achievers like Alex, this disconnection isn't just about the day-to-day grind but a deeper misalignment of values and career goals.
The Productivity Pitfall: Warwick University's research shows that job dissatisfaction can lead to a 10% dip in productivity. It seems that being "wangry" doesn't just sour your mood; it can also sour your work output.
The Mental Health Mire: A review in the Journal of Vocational Behavior draws a direct line between career dissatisfaction and mental health struggles, including stress and depression. It turns out, "wangry" isn't just bad for your career; it's bad for your health too.
Spotting the Signs of "Wangry"
How do you know if you're "wangry"? If you're reading this in your office, feeling a mix of amusement and recognition, you might already have your answer. But here are a few tell-tale signs:
You're Irritable and Resentful: If you find yourself snapping at your assistant over minor typos or daydreaming about telling clients what you really think, "wangry" might be your diagnosis.
Your Passion Has Left the Building: Remember when you were excited about challenges? If those days seem like a distant memory, and your work now feels as inspiring as a stale ham sandwich, welcome to "wangry" town.
Exhaustion Is Your Constant Companion: If you're getting enough sleep but still feel drained by mid-morning, it's not just physical tiredness. Emotional exhaustion is a classic symptom of deep-seated career dissatisfaction.
But what about everyone else?
Sample data set courtesy of CoEfficient.
Let’s reconnect with Alex for a moment, who is currently experiencing the wanger of one, meaning his own discontent. As a senior leader, Alex is also responsible for modeling behavior and reinforcing cultural norms in his organization that - theoretically - foster workplace satisfaction, empowerment and, ideally, mitigate wanger in the lives of junior staff.
Yet, the data points to a decrease in workplace satisfaction as one moves down the corporate ladder. Take the anonymized sample data from a client of organizational performance measurement platform CoEfficient. Their client’s Culture score is 63 out of 100. You might think for a moment, not bad…if that was an Uber driver’s score, he’d probably still be in good enough standing to keep booking rides.
Where things get ugly is in the scores of frontline staff and managers. These groups average score doesn’t even break 40 out of 100. I think we need to call this what it is: a simmering discontent that suggests org-level wanger simmering in the southern regions of the org chart.
And now Alex is responsible not only for addressing his own wanger but that of a team of several - maybe tens, maybe hundreds - of other people experiencing their own wanger. It’s as if wanger has the potential to escalate from an amuse bouche to an all you can eat buffet in the blink of an eye.
Transforming "Wangry" Into Contentment
So, what's the antidote to "wangry"? Here are four strategies to simmer down and find satisfaction:
Self-Reflection with a Side of Humor: Take a moment to assess what's really eating you (besides your underwhelming lunch). What parts of your job used to spark joy, and what feels off now? Sometimes, acknowledging the absurdity of certain situations can be the first step towards change.
Boundaries and Self-Care Are Non-Negotiable: Start treating your personal time like the VIP section of a club—no work allowed. Rediscover hobbies that make you happy, preferably ones that don't involve reviewing spreadsheets.
And hey, we need to talk about sleep. The lack thereof, actually. If you thought the low score of the lower end of the CoEfficient data above was bad, it actually gets worse. A whopping 81% of the same firm reported negative to very negative sleep quality. Whether you’re a partner, CEO, janitor, or lone-wolf salesperson your sleep affects how you show up. If you’re going to battle the headwinds of wanger, self-care must include positive sleep hygiene.
Sample data courtesy of CoEfficient.
Partner with Me for Executive Coaching: If you’re navigating the rough waters of "wangry," consider me, Dave O'Connor, as your compass. Unlike adopting a one-size-fits-all approach, I work with you to uncover and tackle the root causes of your career discontent—be it leadership challenges, feeling stuck, or battling self-doubt. My goal? To enhance your self-awareness and confidence, empowering you to chart a fulfilling path forward. For a more personalized approach to turning "wangry" into contentment, and contentment into authentic and powerful leadership, book a discovery call today.
For the team: Unlock essential team dialogue and begin shifting mindsets and manners in your team with Dave O’Connor’s small team coaching sessions and group seminars. If you sense your firm is in the murky waters of org-level wanger and you want to experience the powerful insights of CoEfficient, we can make that happen too.
While "wangry" might sound like a funny buzzword, it encapsulates a real and pressing issue for many high-achieving professionals. By recognizing the signs and taking proactive steps to address the underlying issues, you can move from simmering discontent to a fulfilling career that truly satisfies. And remember, it's okay to laugh along the way. After all, sometimes the best way to beat "wangry" is to take it all in with an all-you-can-eat buffet of humor and a dash of perspective.
Go Get Weird: 7 leadership lessons from a kids sketch show
7 leadership reminders from a kids improv show
Get that penguin out of here.
There I was, both laughing out loud and self-aware. Watching other adults’ kids act out on stage was not a Friday night I’d ever envisioned for myself.
A couple of weeks ago a group of six actors between nine and thirteen years old performed a 30-minute show of entirely original sketch comedy in front of a live audience for the first time. I was lucky enough to be invited to volunteer at their performance because their teacher is also my acting teacher. (Jeremy Kruse / Gorton Center (Lake Forest, IL))
The kids fumbled through a few moments, nailed others, and walked backwards into surprise laughs. My default is to notice and celebrate courage. Believe me, these kids have it. But there’s more to be gleaned than “be courageous” from these kids, the setting, and their teachers.
I jotted down a few of the lessons I was reminded of below. If you’re a curious leader who seeks inspiration everywhere, this should be fun:
Stay naive - knowing as little as possible allows you to see all that is possible.
Let go - attachment is a choice. Where it’s safe to do so, choose freedom.
Be eager to fail - discovery comes from effort and most effort is imperfect; make the effort and find the good stuff.
…And when you are failing, improvise - hold onto that naive and freeing belief that if you just keep trying different things you’ll find what you’re looking for.
Practice - find the place where and people with whom you can consistently hone your craft.
Create safe space and belonging - there is no substitute for it. Period.
Don’t be afraid to surprise yourself - life’s not worth boring yourself to death, go get weird! See what happens!
And as the mother of one of the actors told me after the show, “Harriet will have lots of other people tell her to be less her, so I am not going to.”
Surround yourself with people who want you to be as much of you as you want to be too.
###
KNOW AND GO.
Obliterate Imposter ‘Syndrome’
A brief summary about a powerful substitute for Imposter Syndrome.
The Daily Dave episode above is only about two and a half minutes long but if you are unable to read it, I’ve summarized below.
Here’s one way to start tearing down the walls behind this buzzword psychobabble we can’t avoid hearing about with imposter, “syndrome.”
Step 1: Smash the language
It cannot be a syndrome if every person in the world has it or is capable of having it. That's just called life. It ain't a syndrome. It's a part of life.
Step 2: Replace with the wisdom of the “Rookie Experience”
What is also a part of life for 99% of us is a rookie experience. At one point or another, we have either made it past tryouts, or interviews, or we have been invited onto the team. So we're allowed and we are entitled to be in the room. We also just don't know anything about what's going on in that room, yet. That's a totally normal starting place for any experience. It's called being a rookie.
One of the ways to get out of being a rookie is you get mentorship, you get coaching; you make friends, you find your place, you work really hard in the off-hours to improve yourself. You create and seek out resources and eventually you're not a rookie anymore. You're a pro, you're a player, you're a captain, you're a veteran. That takes time and it’s time well-spent rather than spinning around the anxiety of fearing you’re an imposter.
What I really like about this rookie experience philosophy is that it takes the sense of a lack of control that we might feel we have about impostor syndrome and it just totally obliterates that. And it says, no, I'm at the normal part of any person's journey into something new, something foreign, something different, and I can gather resources to improve my station, improve my position.
There's another layer to it, I suppose, which is if you have gotten to a place where you feel savvy, and then something knocks you off kilter and you lose confidence, and then you have waves of what may be considered impostor syndrome, you could draw back to this notion of the rookie experience and go, well, maybe what I am experiencing is the newness of this kind of discomfort, this kind of unknowing uncertainty being out of the loop. Okay, so I'm new to this experience as well. That’s life.
And the cycle of newness - which is in fact evidence of your growth - continues.
Know and Go.
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The ‘Meaning Approach’ To Motivation
The ‘Meaning Approach’ to Motivation
Lately, I've had some intriguing conversations with clients and friends about motivation, and it's become clear that we all have our unique takes on it. But here's the deal – I've adopted Will Leach's motivation framework, and it's a game-changer. I’ve also added one element and I’ll call it the “Meaning Approach.”
Let me break it down. Instead of waiting for motivation to drop from the heavens, we can be the master of our own motivation universe. It's all about finding the incentives that already drive our behaviors and deciding if they're serving us or not. More importantly, it’s about being absolutely certain that the meaning of those incentives resonates for us. And if not, no worries, we can whip up some new incentives to get us where we want to be.
Take, for instance, the classic couch potato. To us "go-getters," they might seem like creatures from another dimension. A loathsome sector of humanity even. But here's a revelation - the couch potato isn't actually unmotivated. They are just highly motivated by different incentives. And yet another twist: those incentives have the same meaning as the incentives that drive us “go-getters.” The couch-potato finds pleasure, control, and relaxation on their comfy couch – just like we do from creation, growth, and success. Maybe, we're all on the same motivational wavelength, just grooving to different tunes. You catch my drift?
The couch potato could be just as motivated, if not more so, than the most action-oriented among us. The magic ingredient here is meaning. It's not just incentives; it's what those incentives mean to us. That's the secret sauce that cranks the intensity of motivation up to 11.
Once we unravel the mystery of motivation and break it down to incentives, we're in control. And you know what? We love control. Take it one step further now. When we add or understand the meaning of those incentives…well now we’re in the territory of rocket fuel.
For example:
“I am motivated to work because I need money.” Money is the incentive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We all need money to survive and beyond. But when your motivation is low, and you’ve already been working your but off for this incentive of money alone, it’s not exactly a well of inspiration. Here’s what upgrading the incentive with meaning can look like instead:
“To me, money means freedom, accomplishment, security, and reliability for my loved ones. I work for the money, but it’s really the meaning of the money that keeps me going, not just the money itself.” The energy here so much more powerful and purposeful, because it’s tied to deeper meaning.
“I work for the money, but it’s really the meaning of the money that keeps me going”
It’s really rather simple in practice and you can try it any day of the week. “I’m motivated to do X because of Y incentive..and that incentive means Z...now I can’t not try because of how important Z is to me.”
It's time to take the power back and turn motivation from a mystical unicorn into a controllable, tangible force. The next time you're stuck in a motivational rut, ditch the self-flagellation and switch gears. Ask yourself, "What incentives would make my heart race?" Then ask, “why?” It all begins with incentives and then springs to life with meaning. Tweak them and watch your motivation soar.
KNOW AND GO.
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Anxious? Here’s One Signal and Six Tips To Reclaim Your Attention
Blog post: Anxious? One Signal and Six Tips for Reclaiming Your Attention
Does a certain type of infuriating friction arise when you become anxious? For example, do you get clumsy? Does time stop moving at its normal speed? When you’re under pressure, do your sentences become incomplete or incoherent? When you lose your sense of control, or when perfection kicks into overdrive, do you become forgetful and terse with coworkers or family members? If any of these experiences are true for you, you’re not alone.
The good news: it’s happening because you envision more for yourself or those around you and you’re driving towards it, often as a high-achiever and a leader. The even better news is that you can leverage this friction as a signal to slow down, and use behavioral skills that shift your attention from imminent threat to calmly thriving.
The Leader’s Instinct
If you’re a C-suite executive, a solopreneur, entrepreneur, do-er, creator, manager, or a problem solver you’ve likely experienced a similar compulsion as me. When a situation feels unsettled you work tirelessly to resolve it. In a business setting, you rush to feverishly gather resources, and mobilize colleagues and vendors to get to the bottom of your dilemma.
If this is your instinct at work, then it is likely the instinct you rely on at home, and even for your own body. You might work out more, feverishly write notes, chase leads (sales, information, or otherwise), burn the midnight oil, change diet, buy products online. Anything to attack the problem full force. Since you are a leader, you know instinctively that with enough effort, you can solve any problem.
The Leader’s Choice
I have been wrong about throwing the kitchen sink at my discomfort more times than I can count. So I say the following to you with total humility: if you’re doing the same, you’re doing it wrong. Speeding up is not the antidote to screwing up, in fact the opposite is more often the case. See the graph below, for reference.
When we are anxious, our fight or flight response kicks in. Special Forces Operators and First Responders receive exhaustive training to manage this instinct under pressure. However for most of us, when discomfort increases, time feels longer. When certainty shifts to the unknown, our resources feel more constrained. We want to act fast to take care of ourselves, or we freeze.
There is another way.
Six Behavior Techniques for Slowing Down and Reclaiming Your Attention
When we slow down, we begin to notice reality with greater objectivity. We begin to notice that we are not operating in extreme scarcity, rather in a balance of scarcity and abundance, pros and cons, helpful and unhelpful. This attention to balance that results from slowing down helps us make decisions and behave in ways that are healthier and kinder to ourselves and those around us.
Here are six behavioral techniques for slowing down and reclaiming your attention:
1) Acceptance
Accept that things - as absolutely terrible or wonderful as they may be - are exactly the way they are. Accept the possibility that you have no or little control over the situation you so desperately want to change. Accept that your body is reacting to an uncomfortable or unfamiliar situation. Accept that your body may be associating a past experience with a present one, regardless of the fact that they are different.
2) Breathing Techniques
You can find breathing techniques via Google, Spotify, Calm App, Insight Timer App, and books related to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, PTSD, Anxiety and Panic Disorder, and Mindfulness Meditation. You can also do these simple steps in cycles of 5:
Place hand on belly and breath in through nose with a focus on expanding your belly (diaphragmatic breathing); you will feel your belly expand under your hand
When full of breath in belly, hold for a count of four
Exhale through a small space in your lips
3) Body scan
Body scanning is a mindfulness practice that brings your attention into your body. Because attention is finite, centering yours on your body helps to declutter the mind of external worries. At the risk of sounding cliche, worries are thoughts about something not yet in your control. Therefore, they do not serve you, especially in turbulent times. Having a mindful, active awareness of your body on the other hand, serves you immensely.
To self-administer a body scan you can follow the script below taking between 5-7 minutes for the full body scan. The body scan creates an opportunity for you to come out of your mind and into your body; and for many people it helps us move from worried fiction to present moment truth - facts about what we actually feel here and now in our body.
Body Scan Script
Find a comfortable seated position
Close or open eyes, whichever is more comfortable
Breath calmly, ideally from diaphragm
Begin noticing bodily sensations by intentionally starting at the top of your head
Move through your forehead, temples, eyes, nose, ears, cheeks, mouth and jaw
Move through the front of your neck, the back of your neck, then move to your shoulder blades
Move your awareness now down your inner arm, outer arm, over your elbows, and over your forearms, to your wrists, palms and finally fingers
Now bring your awareness to your chest, sternum, ribs, torso, gut, lower back, pelvis and hips - notice feelings inside your body as well as on the surface of your skin
Shift your awareness slightly now to your lower body, beginning with your buttox and groin, inner thighs, top of your thighs and lower thighs
Move down your thighs to you knees, and now underneath your knees
Roll down your knees to your shins, moving down your calves now and to your lower calves, outer ankle and inner ankles.
Now roll down under your heels, to the top of your feet, the bridge of your feet, and finally through to your toes.
You can also reference the sources listed in the Breathing Techniques above for body scan recommendations.
4) Mantra
Mantra, originated in Buddhism and Hinduism, is a word or sound used repeatedly to aid concentration in meditation. In business and team sports, mantras are often used to focus energy and attention around a shared principle. Think of the Notre Dame Football team’s “Play Like a Champion Today” plaque, courtesy of “Rudy.”
A mantra costs no money, it’s entirely your own, and simple. For these reasons and more you can consider a mantra like a trusted friend, always there to help pull you through a difficult moment. The practice of repeating your mantra will help you dial into the present moment, uncluttered with worry, and boosted with a greater sense of control.
To use a mantra, quite literally repeat the word, phrase, or sound that suits you best over and over again. It’s that simple. You can combine mantra repetition with breathing techniques, or rubbing a token (for example a string of beads, a keychain, a pebble, or an object on your desk). Here’s the key: do this mindfully. What does that mean? Countless books have been written on the topic of mindfulness, but to keep it simple for you here, it means to repeat your mantra with your attention fully focused on the words, sounds, intentions, and/or bodily sensations associated with your mantra. Much like doing a body scan or a breathing exercise, this turns your attention to the one absolute fact you know to be true: you are alive, present, and caring for yourself in this moment.
5 tips to find a Mantra
Use a motivational quote that genuinely inspires or calms you
Make up a silly, focusing, or playful sound that pulls you into the moment
Ask a friend or family member for three adjectives that describe your best qualities
Reference song lyrics, poems, or movie quotes that center you
Be still, listen to yourself, write down a simple statement you can experiment with.
To encourage you to think personally and creatively about your mantra, I’ll share mine. During times of overwhelming stress, I turn to “Just ‘cause you feel it doesn’t mean it’s there,” which I stole from the Radiohead’s, “There There.” This mantra reminds me that while I may be feeling or assuming something to be true, it may or may not be so. By reminding myself of this fact, I am able to check-in on other facts, and get objective about a bigger picture issue. Once I get objective, I can begin to plan, make decisions and take action.
Please: If you don’t have one already, find a mantra, try it out, and share what you notice!
5) Positive Self-talk
A mantra will ground you. Positive self-talk will propel you. Yet, positive self-talk is one of those behaviors we tend to think of as rather cringe. If you do not practice positive self-talk on a regular basis because you’re embarrassed or unfamiliar it’s time to start. Here’s the thing I embraced in my late twenties that I’m going to directly challenge you on: you need to rely on yourself, full stop.
Examples of positive self-talk statements
“I have done this before.”
“I am limitless potential.”
“I am loved, respected, and admired.”
“I am capable of surprising myself.”
“Five ways my friends describe my best qualities are …”
“You got this, [your name], here’s why …”
There comes a time when we all have to move out of our comfort zone with self-management. That’s not work talk, by the way. That’s life, in general. We have to self-manage because as adults most of our peers are busy with their own lives. They don’t have time to bail us out of every anxious, or worrisome moment. And as I’m sure you know, there are a lot more anxious moments in adulthood than easy ones. Next time you’re in a pinch, don’t be bashful about learning and doing positive self-talk on a daily basis.
6) Fact-check
Finally, bolster your positive self-talk with indisputable evidence. Recall the real results you’ve created for yourself in similar situations. Are you facing a specific situation for the very first time? Great. Consider the qualities of your character that are transferable and find the proof that you can tap into those qualities again by reflecting on your actions and outcomes. Here’s what it sounds like to pair positive self-talk with fact-checking:
“I may not have had this exact experience before, but I can rely on these three traits to get me through it…I know I possess these traits because I saw them in action when I handled [your real-life example(s)].”
Conclusion
My father often reminded me that I need to be more prepared for boredom and stress than for fun. As high-achievers, leaders, spouses, or parents, we all need to and can relatively easily adopt behavioral skills that help us through anxiety, lack of control, and change. I’ve provided just six coping and self-management skills, among hundreds of others at your disposal. If you would be so kind as to share your own tips for in-the-moment stress management, my readers and I would be grateful to hear from you.
If you would like to explore an ongoing coaching relationship to shift your energy from overwhelm to purposeful action, please contact me.