The Case for Compassion in Corporate Coaching

Coaching with compassion must be considered by executive and business coaches, nurtured in senior executives, and modeled for the mid-level and junior employees making their way to the forefront of leadership. 

Richard Boyatzis, considered by many to be one of the godfather's of coaching, believes coaching with compassion is the only way. I instantly resonated with this framework, which I learned about in “Helping People Change,” co-authored by Melvin Smith and Ellen Van Oosten. The alternative to coaching with compassion is a dry, prescriptive, short-term oriented approach called coaching for compliance. It's as unoriginal as it is belittling. Continue reading if you’re curious about another way.

“I’m not sure if you’ve experienced coaching with compassion but given your seniority I can guarantee that you have both been led by and have probably lead others through coaching for compliance. ”

Think about a manager who told you what to do. Now think about a manager who asked you what you think you could do. Perhaps you've been fortunate enough to have a boss who collaboratively brainstormed ideas with you, like two members of a band. That's peeling back the curtain 1% on coaching for compliance versus coaching with compassion. Being told what to do in order to deliver an outcome versus being empowered to consider what it is about you, and what it is about the work that will inspire you, to both complete a task and enrich yourself.

The case against coaching with compassion is anchored in fear. It sounds something like this: 

- We don't have time to "coach" our people

- I can't learn how to be compassionate, be a manager, and also get my work done

- Our people aren't the type to respond to "compassion"

- We have existing systems and protocols for a reason, compassion and coaching would disrupt that

To that last point: You’re damn right! When was the last time you got your hands dirty, anyway? I’m not talking about roughing it up by following orders. I’m talking about innovation. Innovation led by YOU. If you're curious enough to be reading these very words you're also probably curious and observant enough to notice - even if you've buried your findings - that your organization could use a little disruption. 

- I don't want to be awkward.

- I don't want to look weak. 

- I don’t want to look distracted.

No offense, you already do look weak. The good news is we all do. We're all vulnerable and powerful and confused and in control and out of control at all times. Not to get woo about it but lacking control while awkwardly stumbling through life and leadership is sort of what it's all about. That's the Learning Zone, the growth area, the edge. It's good to be there. It's good to have you here! Welcome! If you've been here for a while, hey how are ya, can I buy you a drink?

Moving along…

What is coaching with compassion?

Coaching with compassion, I'm going to steal this right from the pages of Richard  Boyatzis, Melvin Smith, and Ellen Van Oosten's latest book, "Helping People Change:" coaching with a genuine sense of caring and concern, focusing on the other person, providing support and encouragement, and facilitating the discovery and pursuit of that person's dreams and passions. You are not alone and no one could blame you for reading that and instantly thinking: 

- I am already someone's parent, aunt or uncle, I have neither the time nor energy to coddle adults in my organization.

- But who's caring about me, my dreams, my passions?

- If my whole organization starts focusing on its people then who the hell will focus on the product?!

What’s in it for you to start coaching with compassion?

Yes! Incentives! Now we’re talking. To name a few:

• Talent acquisition costs freed up for other initiatives due to retention of exceptional people bought because their boss doesn’t talk about giving a sh*t s/he/they actually show it.

• Efficient problem solving and problem anticipation by grown-ass adults who know their worth and intelligence; who know their employer knows their worth and intelligence; and who are eager to give it up for the organization because they’re proud to be a part of it.

• Less expensive and longer-lasting client/customer relationships that run deeper than transactional, commodotized product delivery. Better reviews, net promoter scores, referral networks and sterling reputation follows suit. You know the drill. It’s the brand you dreamed about leading but refuse to believe could actually be your own.

How to start coaching with compassion?

I am jumping wildly ahead here in an effort to assuage anxious and skeptical leaders. Keeping this very simple for now: 

- Research: Read, skim or ask for a ChatGPT summary of any of the books indexed below. 

- Relationships: Text a few leaders you know to ask if/how they've approaching org change or individual leadership development. Ask them if they've ever heard of this coaching with compassion nonsense. They probably haven't. You might love being at the forefront. It's like a warp-speed ride through a meteor shower and those of us on the shuttle are pretty bad-ass. 

- Reconnaissance: Reach out to a coach like me or a coach you used in the past. Just get the conversation going. Listen to your curiosity. It's one of your gifts. 

- Reflection: This last one is real-world, immediate practice you can do on yourself: try out self-compassion. Today, when you get spun up, annoyed, confused, or doubtful about a decision you made or might have to make, slow down and take two minutes to ask yourself, "how are you doing? What makes you one of one? What's your dream for this project/career/life?" 

Okay, that last question, you might not get the full answer until you're drinking from the silver cup up in the sky, but you can at least check in with it! The point here is to simply notice how asking questions from a place of care and concern shifts the mood and potentially the outcome of where you're headed for a moment. 

There is so much more to be said about coaching with compassion. I haven't even scratched the surface of the surface here. But it has been weighing on me that I am not advocating enough for coaching with compassion - the very coaching I know and love to do for others and on myself with my own coach. I hope you explore coaching with compassion soon too.

Book Recommendations

"Helping People Change" 

"Resonant Leadership"

"Helping"

"The Coaching Habit"

"The Discomfort Zone"

"Tomorrowmind"

Go Get Weird: 7 leadership lessons from a kids sketch show

Get that penguin out of here.

There I was, both laughing out loud and self-aware. Watching other adults’ kids act out on stage was not a Friday night I’d ever envisioned for myself.

A couple of weeks ago a group of six actors between nine and thirteen years old performed a 30-minute show of entirely original sketch comedy in front of a live audience for the first time. I was lucky enough to be invited to volunteer at their performance because their teacher is also my acting teacher. (Jeremy Kruse / Gorton Center (Lake Forest, IL))

The kids fumbled through a few moments, nailed others, and walked backwards into surprise laughs. My default is to notice and celebrate courage. Believe me, these kids have it. But there’s more to be gleaned than “be courageous” from these kids, the setting, and their teachers.

I jotted down a few of the lessons I was reminded of below. If you’re a curious leader who seeks inspiration everywhere, this should be fun:

• Stay naive - knowing as little as possible allows you to see all that is possible.

• Let go - attachment is a choice. Where it’s safe to do so, choose freedom.

• Be eager to fail - discovery comes from effort and most effort is imperfect; make the effort and find the good stuff.

• …And when you are failing, improvise - hold onto that naive and freeing belief that if you just keep trying different things you’ll find what you’re looking for.

• Practice - find the place where and people with whom you can consistently hone your craft.

• Create safe space and belonging - there is no substitute for it. Period.

• Don’t be afraid to surprise yourself - life’s not worth boring yourself to death, go get weird! See what happens!

And as the mother of one of the actors told me after the show, “Harriet will have lots of other people tell her to be less her, so I am not going to.” 

Surround yourself with people who want you to be as much of you as you want to be too.

###

KNOW AND GO.

Obliterate Imposter ‘Syndrome’

The Daily Dave episode above is only about two and a half minutes long but if you are unable to read it, I’ve summarized below.

Here’s one way to start tearing down the walls behind this buzzword psychobabble we can’t avoid hearing about with imposter, “syndrome.” 

Step 1: Smash the language

It cannot be a syndrome if every person in the world has it or is capable of having it. That's just called life. It ain't a syndrome. It's a part of life. 

Step 2: Replace with the wisdom of the “Rookie Experience”

What is also a part of life for 99% of us is a rookie experience. At one point or another, we have either made it past tryouts, or interviews, or we have been invited onto the team. So we're allowed and we are entitled to be in the room. We also just don't know anything about what's going on in that room, yet. That's a totally normal starting place for any experience. It's called being a rookie. 

One of the ways to get out of being a rookie is you get mentorship, you get coaching;  you make friends, you find your place, you work really hard in the off-hours to improve yourself. You create and seek out resources and eventually you're not a rookie anymore. You're a pro, you're a player, you're a captain, you're a veteran. That takes time and it’s time well-spent rather than spinning around the anxiety of fearing you’re an imposter. 

What I really like about this rookie experience philosophy is that it takes the sense of a lack of control that we might feel we have about impostor syndrome and it just totally obliterates that. And it says, no, I'm at the normal part of any person's journey into something new, something foreign, something different, and I can gather resources to improve my station, improve my position. 

There's another layer to it, I suppose, which is if you have gotten to a place where you feel savvy, and then something knocks you off kilter and you lose confidence, and then you have waves of what may be considered impostor syndrome, you could draw back to this notion of the rookie experience and go, well, maybe what I am experiencing is the newness of this kind of discomfort, this kind of unknowing uncertainty being out of the loop. Okay, so I'm new to this experience as well. That’s life. 

And the cycle of newness - which is in fact evidence of your growth - continues. 

Know and Go.

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The ‘Meaning Approach’ To Motivation

Lately, I've had some intriguing conversations with clients and friends about motivation, and it's become clear that we all have our unique takes on it. But here's the deal – I've adopted Will Leach's motivation framework, and it's a game-changer. I’ve also added one element and I’ll call it the “Meaning Approach.”

Let me break it down. Instead of waiting for motivation to drop from the heavens, we can be the master of our own motivation universe. It's all about finding the incentives that already drive our behaviors and deciding if they're serving us or not. More importantly, it’s about being absolutely certain that the meaning of those incentives resonates for us. And if not, no worries, we can whip up some new incentives to get us where we want to be.

Take, for instance, the classic couch potato. To us "go-getters," they might seem like creatures from another dimension. A loathsome sector of humanity even. But here's a revelation - the couch potato isn't actually unmotivated. They are just highly motivated by different incentives. And yet another twist: those incentives have the same meaning as the incentives that drive us “go-getters.” The couch-potato finds pleasure, control, and relaxation on their comfy couch – just like we do from creation, growth, and success. Maybe, we're all on the same motivational wavelength, just grooving to different tunes. You catch my drift?

The couch potato could be just as motivated, if not more so, than the most action-oriented among us. The magic ingredient here is meaning. It's not just incentives; it's what those incentives mean to us. That's the secret sauce that cranks the intensity of motivation up to 11.

Once we unravel the mystery of motivation and break it down to incentives, we're in control. And you know what? We love control. Take it one step further now. When we add or understand the meaning of those incentives…well now we’re in the territory of rocket fuel.

For example:

“I am motivated to work because I need money.” Money is the incentive, and there’s nothing wrong with that. We all need money to survive and beyond. But when your motivation is low, and you’ve already been working your but off for this incentive of money alone, it’s not exactly a well of inspiration. Here’s what upgrading the incentive with meaning can look like instead:

“To me, money means freedom, accomplishment, security, and reliability for my loved ones. I work for the money, but it’s really the meaning of the money that keeps me going, not just the money itself.” The energy here so much more powerful and purposeful, because it’s tied to deeper meaning.

“I work for the money, but it’s really the meaning of the money that keeps me going”

It’s really rather simple in practice and you can try it any day of the week. “I’m motivated to do X because of Y incentive..and that incentive means Z...now I can’t not try because of how important Z is to me.”

It's time to take the power back and turn motivation from a mystical unicorn into a controllable, tangible force. The next time you're stuck in a motivational rut, ditch the self-flagellation and switch gears. Ask yourself, "What incentives would make my heart race?" Then ask, “why?” It all begins with incentives and then springs to life with meaning. Tweak them and watch your motivation soar.

KNOW AND GO.

Did you find this helpful?
Here at Hey Coach Dave, our main objective is to provide you with valuable tips and perspectives that can help you overcome challenges, achieve your goals, and live a more fulfilling life.

We truly hope that the information you found in this blog post was helpful and insightful.

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Thank you for being a part of the Hey Coach Dave community. Your support is appreciated, and we're here to assist you on your path to a happier and more successful life.

Dial It In.

Get dialed in no matter the scenario by slowing down through biofeedback and expression.

Stressed, sad, anxious, angry, overwhelmed, elated. Every emotion and every moment is an opportunity for a freak out.

Or, to focus on the focus.

Here are three ways to work with what ya got:

Breathe

-

Breathe -

1) Breathe.
Take three slow deep breaths in and out.

Breathing becomes even more useful when you practice diaphragmatic breathing. Learn how to do it in 60 seconds here.

On your third breath or after you’re done intentionally breathing ask yourself:

“What is most important to me in this moment? What am I meant to do right now?”

Give yourself a minute to thoughtfully answer that question.

(I recommend closing the eyes during the exercise as long as you’re not driving or operating heavy machinery).

Talk

-

Talk -

2) Talk.
Express yourself without judgement.

Say out loud to yourself or someone you trust:

• what you are feeling,

• what you would like to be feeling, and

• how you can feel it right here and now.

Without judgement, welcome in reactions from yourself or the person you shared this moment with.

Move

-

Move -

3) Move.
Take a walk, do push-ups, stretch.

Anything repetitive for 3-5 minutes will get you closer to homeostasis.

Reaching homeostasis helps you slow down…from your heart rate to your racing thoughts.

Once you’ve slowed down, you can be better in touch with your body and get out of your head.

Now ask yourself gently, “what’s next?”

Or think back to effective centering techniques that have worked for you in the past or have been modeled to you by someone you trust or admire.

The key to dialing it in is actually not doing any one focusing exercise perfectly, it’s being mindful of the signals your body or mind are giving you that you may need to dial it in. Mindfulness, really.

KNOW AND GO!

Did you find this helpful?
Here at Hey Coach Dave, our main objective is to provide you with valuable tips and perspectives that can help you overcome challenges, achieve your goals, and live a more fulfilling life. We truly hope that the information you found in this blog post was helpful and insightful.
If you haven't already, we highly recommend subscribing to the Hey Coach Dave newsletter. By doing so, you'll receive even more helpful tips and perspectives directly in your inbox. Our newsletter covers a wide range of topics, including personal development, leadership, productivity, health, and much more. It's a great way to stay motivated, inspired, and informed on the latest strategies for success.
Furthermore, if you know someone who could benefit from the message we shared today, we encourage you to share the blog or newsletter link with them. By spreading the word, you'll be helping others access valuable resources that can support their personal growth journey.
Thank you for being a part of our Hey Coach Dave community. We appreciate your support, and we're here to assist you on your path to a happier and more successful life.

Tips for Those That Survive a Layoff

Layoff survivors: this one’s for you.

As a former (recovering) national sales account executive in an HR SaaS company myself, I know the feeling of uncertainty that sales, marketing, talent acquisition, and product middle managers experience when a layoff is looming or executed. You hope that since you’re adding revenue and clients to the business, you're safe, but you never know. 

The experience of a layoff, or reduction in force (RIF), can be incredibly difficult, not just for those who lost their jobs. Since so much has been written by and for laid-off professionals, I wanted to offer a helping hand to anyone still at a company that has undergone layoffs. Here are a few tips that I hope will help you get back on your feet after the gut punch that is a RIF.

Real Quick…

My own experience

I have witnessed three rounds of layoffs at one company and a modest RIF at another. It’s painful to see your friends go, and it’s rather unsettling to know you’re hanging around. I personally experienced bouts of survivor’s guilt and brain fog. For weeks that led to months, I was unsure of the “right” next step for my career, let alone how best to support my current and former colleagues. I was not alone.

Model behavior
A close friend of mine is the head of a large sales team at a 2,000+ employee global SaaS company that RIF’ed several hundred employees at the end of Q4 2022. I consider him a model for being a great colleague after a layoff.

Here’s what he did that I’d recommend you try as well:  

He Took Care of Himself

Think of this as the moment every flight attendant instructs you to do before take-off: put on your own mask before assisting others. In other words, you can not sustainably serve those around you if you are not safe and secure. Here’s how to do it after a layoff:

• Use your people: professionals (therapists, coaches, counselors, internal company support), friends, and family are at your disposal for external processing (AKA talking) about what is stirring in you. 

• Use your body: exercise, take walks, and switch up environments to activate your brain productively and give yourself a sense of control. Listen to your body through mindful breathing and meditation. The mind-body connection is real, and it is one of our greatest resources. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk has written extensively about this in “The Body Keeps The Score.” While remaining at a company might feel like a blessing, it might also trigger a sense of trauma or even traumatic memories. Take it one day at a time, and let your body guide you to what you need. 

• Use your mind: journal, read, document, reflect, and strategize. You may feel compelled to freeze or take flight as the dust settles from the layoff. Check-in with yourself through independent reflection and planning to use discernment before making big decisions, especially if you are feeling reactionary. 

And Then He Mobilized to Take Care of Others

I’m impressed with how much my friend communicated with his team members. From what I heard, he was a port in the storm for some and a catalyst for change for others. That goes for the employees who remained at the company and those who were let go. He even managed to loop one terminated employee into a surprise opening on his team. Here are a few takeaways from my friend’s success that you can put to use, even (or perhaps especially) if they push you outside of your comfort zone: 

• Be a leader in vulnerability: You may be part of a workplace culture or a one-on-one relationship with certain colleagues that requires you to take the first step in opening up. Being vulnerable is a rare and powerful form of leadership. Notice if you need to lead in starting the dialogue and harness your courage to do it.

• Honor the truth: avoid gossip, speculation, drama, and fiction. Acknowledge what you know to be true about your experience, emotions, and hopes for yourself and your team members. 

• Be available: proactively welcome colleagues to schedule time on your calendar for coffee or Zoom calls specifically to process their experience with the layoff rather than to discuss work projects. In the coaching community, this is known as “holding the client’s agenda.” In the world of your colleagues, it’s much the same - invite your team members to tell you what they need to talk about, and then let them talk about it. It’s truly that simple. 

• Be present: Communication is as much about receiving information as it is presenting. Body language is critical to others’ safety, so when receiving their concerns, put your phone and other distractions aside and make eye contact. It’s pretty straightforward stuff: give your colleague your undivided attention. This is non-verbal communication at a critical moment, and it may prove to be more powerful than any words you share. 

I Recommend: Take Care of Your Career, Too

This one is a bonus section for taking care of yourself.  

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs dictates that in the process of self-actualization (which I am a bit obsessed with, even in scary moments like layoffs or the COVID-19 pandemic), we need to address our survival needs before we can step into higher-level achievements. In a newer model for self-actualization by Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, Love and Purpose are at the peak of self-actualization. 

Source: “Transcend” by Scott Barry Kaufman / Sailboat illustration by Andy Ogden

Buy “Transcend”: https://scottbarrykaufman.com/books/transcend/

I want to challenge you to consider how Love and Purpose can be integrated into your career in this here-and-now moment post-layoff, as well as across the open sea of a career you will look back on years from now.

A challenge

While the thoughts, assumptions, and emotions might still be running high for you:

write down or find someone to talk to about what you’re noticing about your life, as it is affected by a job impacted by layoffs, and vice versa: how does your life, or a vision of an ideal life, affect the career you want to shape over time?

Moments of uncertainty need to be met with the urgency of keeping oneself safe and secure. And they offer us extremely narrow, high-intensity windows into adversity we will return to again one day. The opportunity you have right now is to consider what you love and are purpose-driven to do so much so that being knocked off your horse, or watching others get knocked off of theirs, will not completely derail you from, as I like to say, “moving the plot forward.”

Conclusion

I do hope the examples I offered from the experiences my friend, and I went through help you navigate what’s happening now and next. You are well-equipped to care for yourself, your colleagues, and your career. You’ve got this! If I can serve you, please don’t hesitate to let me know.